Firan Celebrity Jeopardy

From FiranMUX

Trebik: Welcome back to 'Celebrity Jeopardy'! Before we begin the second round, I'd like to remind all of our contestants that they are not supposed to settle paternity suits with members of the audience during the game! Now let's recap the scores. Mes Trudi Rothgarian -was- in the lead, but during the break the judges have ruled that we cannot accept answers in Vretian, and instead she now stands in dead last at -154,600 stenis.

Trudi: Wha? *looks furiously at the audience* Trudi challenge cowardly judge to honor duel to death! *waves axe around*

Trebik: Great! Next, in second place with -128,000 stenis is Lord Taleo Teranzik.

Taleo: Bah, I've spent more than that in a half-hour at the Dove!

Trebik: Wonderful. And in first place with a commanding lead of zero stenis, is Prince Solgarik.

Solgarik: (slumped over podium, snoring) Zzz.

Trebik: ...who, it should be noted, has yet to buzz in because he's apparently unable to wake up. Let's take a look at the Double Jeopardy board. Our categories are "Potent Potables", "Famous Ranivors", "Festival Time", which is questions about the Spring and Fall Festivals, moving on with "Will This Fit In An Amphora?", "Clans That Begin With 'Gold Drago', "Wingspan Kings"... this category is about giant eagles and griffons, so you'll all probably have better luck choosing from our last category, "Where Is The Forum?" Mes Trudi, the board is yours.

Trudi: Trudi will take blood of corrupt judge at any cost! Raargh!

Trebik: I see. Lord Taleo, why don't you pick.

Taleo: I already have! I'll be seeing Justina at 9:00.

Trebik: I meant pick a *category*!

Taleo: Watch your tone, commoner. Very well, I will select "Festival Time" for 1000.

Trebik: Right. And the answer is, 'Thousands of people every year come in this 'red' area for fun and entertainment under the canvas.' (Taleo buzzes in.) Yes, Lord Taleo.

Taleo: Who is Madame Zutiva. (buzzer)

Trebik: That is horrible! (Trudi buzzes in.) Mes Rothgarian.

Trudi: (turns to Solgarik) You! Feeble Prince! Trudi demands you do justice and change bad game rulings against honorable Vreland warrior! (buzzer)

Trebik: ...and you really ought to be sedated. The answer was 'the red pavilion tent'. The red pavilion tent. Lord Taleo, the board is still yours, but just to be safe I'll pick "Will This Fit In An Amphora?" for 400 for you. Here we go. And the answer is: a potato. (Nobody buzzes in.) A potato in an amphora. Anyone. (Nobody buzzes in still.) Here, I'll even help you out. (Trebik reaches behind his podium to pick up an amphora and show it to everybody.) Will *one potato* fit in an amphora? (Taleo buzzes in.) It's about time. Lord Taleo.

Taleo: What is an amphora? (buzzer)

Trebik: No!

Taleo: What? Answer my question, you pedestrian entertainer! Is this amphora an article of clothing or something? I've never heard of it.

Trebik: You have led an extremely sheltered life. ...hey! Mes Trudi, get back to your podium! (Trudi walks up and attempts to wrest the amphora from Trebik.)

Trudi: Yes! Puny Firans will heed words of Vreland warrior! Not fool around with pottery like addled elk! (Trudi tugs the amphora away, but it flies out of her grasp and shatters over Solgarik's head, who promptly flops off the podium.)

Trebik: Stop that! Look what you did! (shakes head) The answer was 'yes', so I suppose you actually got that right despite everything, Mes Trudi. Select a category, please

Trudi: (scowling) Trudi will comply. For now. I take "Clan That Start With Gold Draggo" for 700,000. Anybody.

Trebik: All right, "Clans That Start With Gold Drago" for -600-. The answer: this is the Clan whose name begins with 'Gold Drago'! Take a wild guess.

Trudi: (buzzes in) Griffatrice! (buzzer) Graaah!

Trebik: Incorrect. Lord Taleo, care to guess?

Taleo: No, but I'll show you something that starts with 'Cock'!

Trebik: Okay, that is totally uncalled for. The answer was 'Gold Dragon'. Mes Trudi, select again.

Trudi: (wielding axe) NO PITIFUL FIRAN COMMANDS TRUDI ROTHGARIAN!

Trebik: ...uh, very well. Since Prince Solgarik still seems to be unconscious on the floor, I guess I've no choice but to submit control to Lord Taleo again.

Taleo: And me without my whip! Ha ha ha!

Trebik: (shakes head and sighs) Yes, yes. What *category* will you take?

Taleo: A weighty decision! Yes, I'll win 6 spankings for 200, 400, 600, 800, -and- 1000. So that should be 30 spankings for 3000 stenis all together.

Trebik: What? (looks at board) That's WINGSPAN KINGS, not WIN 6 SPANKINGS!

Taleo: Damn! I knew that was too good of a bargain to be true.

Solgarik: (staggering up and brushing amphora bits out of his hair) ... what the hell?

Trebik: You know, let's just do "Famous Ranivors" for 800. (funny noises) And it's a visual daily double. Please look at this tapestry. (holds up a tapestry of Vahlgellan's image with the words 'RANIVOR VAHLGELLAN' stitched into the bottom') Name this Ranivor.

Solgarik: **WHO** IS THE @!&@*ING RANIVOR?!!?

Trebik: Uh, you're supposed to buzz in first, Prince Solgarik.

Solgarik: WHAT THE @*&!* IS VAHLGELLAN DOING AS THE RANIVOR?

Trebik: Right. Uh, since the answer's been spoiled now... say, let's just move on into Final Jeopardy, all right? And the Final Jeopardy category is... you know what? (rips up card) Just prove to me you're literate. Write a word. (music starts) It can be any word you know, in any language. Use your pen and parchment, and just write a word. You're all allegedly educated people, I know you can do this. All right, let's just get this over. Mes Trudi, you wrote... you wrote nothing, because you've hunted one of our judges down and stabbed your pen through his hand.

Trudi: Honorless scum should be lucky to be breathing!

Judge: Aaaagh! Help me!

Trebik: Please return to your home country as soon as possible! Moving on to Lord Taleo, who is grinning like a debauched idiot. Let's see what you wrote. (top half shows 'n o' in lowercase letters) Well, my lord, despite your apparent refusal to write a word, you did in fact write the word 'no'. Let's see your wager. (bottom half shows that the o is the head of a stick figure and the n is the tip of the stick figure's disproportionately large penis)

Taleo: Ah ha ha ha!

Trebik: I fear for our society! And finally, we have Prince Solgarik, who fortunately seems to have become a bit less hysterical since reawakening. What did you write? (top half shows 'Zeysani') Well, Zeysani is technically a name, not a word, but I suppose that's as close as we're ever going to get around here. Good work. And your wager? (bottom half shows 'is my bitch!') ...that's just super.

Taleo: Damn, I should have wrote 'Taria is my bitch!'

Solgarik: Is that Taria in the audience?

Taleo: Uh, I gotta go. (runs offstage)

Trebik: As usual, it's been yet another utter catastrophe here on Celebrity Jeopardy. I'm going to go home and drink black death whiskey until I die. Good night.