Firan Celebrity Jeopardy IV
From FiranMUX
FCJ IV by Brent
TREBEK: Welcome back to Firan Celebrity Jeopardy. Before we begin the second round, I'd like to remind our contestants to refrain from asking the members of the audience to show you their breasts. That little bit of business taken care of, let's recap the scores. Lord Jalil Firgalik is looking quite smug with himself, I see. Obviously being in last place with -245,000 stenis doesn't seem to bother him much.
JALIL: (rings) What is "I am awesome".
TREBEK: Hooray for you. Next, in second place with 0 stenis is Clan Leader Diamia Istanydiam... who has been eyeing her bell suspiciously throughout the entire first half of the game.
DIAMIA: It might be a magic Lanesh trap! Eep.
TREBEK: That would be prudent of you, if it wasn't completely stupid. And finally, in perhaps the most startling development in the history of this game show, our leader with 50,000 stenis... which, might I add, already breaks our high scoring record by forty times over, is Lord Daemio Sennet. Who has shockingly accomplished this at the tender age of nine years old.
DAEMIO: (in deep voice) I turn ten next month. (strokes beard)
TREBEK: Right. Uh, excuse me, but... what are you doing?
DAEMIO: I beg your pardon?
TREBEK: (mimics Daemio) With your hand, and...
DAEMIO: Ah, certainly. I was stroking my beard. It behooves a nobleman to look his best at every opportunity.
TREBEK: (baffled) ...did you glue a bunch of hair to your face?!
DAEMIO: .../maybe/.
JALIL: (turns to Diamia) You know, your Honor... Diamia... babe. This isn't going to be a very interesting game if you just sit around all day. What do you say we make it more interesting? How about if you outscore me in this round, oh... I'll give you back Sarkaran. Deal?
DIAMIA: Squeak! You mean it? You really mean it!
JALIL: (crossed fingers behind his back) Would I lie?
DIAMIA: All right! For the glory of the Cockatrice! I'm going to win this game and get back our city from you meanie Dragons! No way am I going to screw this chance up!
TREBEK: (a little impatiently) Excuse me, but can we start the second round now?
DIAMIA: (panicked) OH SWEET EESHA, I'M GOING TO SCREW THIS CHANCE UP! WAAGH!
TREBEK: (sighs) Let's just get on with the program. Here are the categories for Double Jeopardy. First we have POTENT POTABLES. Next is FACTS ABOUT VAHLORIA. Third we have something called WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? For this category, I will give you a clue and you will say what happens next. For example, if I say "sunset", then you could answer "night", or "it gets dark".
DIAMIA: (rings, a little hysterically) IT GETS DARK!
TREBEK: (taken aback) Uh. Yes, but we're not actually playing yet. Thank you. Now since this show has taught me the cruel and painful lesson that none of you actually /understands/ concepts like "cause and effect", our next category is BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. This is just like the last category, except all you have to say is something that /wouldn't/ happen next. Next, we have EFFECTIVE LEADERSHIP... and you know, since that's /clearly/ something none of you have even the first clue about, let's make that GODS NAMED UNOT. Now we might make some headway with our next category, THE FOUR PEOPLE JALIL HASN'T COMPLETELY PISSED OFF YET. One for each stenis amount, apparently. And rounding out the board we have THINGS YOU FORGOT TO WEAR TO YOUR CORONATION. Lord Jalil, since you are in last place, you may go first.
JALIL: I don't need to finish first if I can just conquer the winner, you know.
TREBEK: How nice for you.
JALIL: Right, let's do that Vahloria thing for 100,000.
TREBEK: Facts about Vahloria for /600/. Here we go. "Notable features of Vahloria inclue the hanging gardens, the Great Wall of China, and these mines."
JALIL: (rings in) I totally boned the Oshta. (buzzer)
DIAMIA: (to Jalil) Ha! You're going down, jerkface! (rings in) What are the chocolate ice cream mines.
TREBEK: Not even close.
DIAMIA: (wails)
TREBEK: Ugh. Lord Daemio, any guesses?
DAEMIO: I shan't be guessing, my good man. (rings) What is the Mines of Moria.
TREBEK: Incorrect. The answer is... (pauses, and stares at his card incredulously) wait, what? That's /right/? Okay, now wait just a /second/! There isn't any possible way you could have known /that/. Somebody's feeding you the answers somehow!
DAEMIO: Not at all. I happen to be a professional in both mining and language/Ticanee.
TREBEK: Oh, come /on/.
DAEMIO: It's true! I'm quite knowlegeable in a variety of topics. Including... /singing/! (gestures, music starts up)
TREBEK: What on Aerval?
(sung to "Modern Major General")
DAEMIO: I am the very model of a kid from Anarinuell
I've got a thousand XP and I'm really twinked out all to hell
My age is just a number, I've got all kinds of maturity
It's themely 'cause we haven't yet invented child psychology
My destiny's unlimited it's just so great to be alive
I'll have my ceremony soon and raise seduction up to five
Alone I'll build a granite aqueduct and send the bill to you
I practiced every combat skill although they're sadly capped at two
CHORUS: He practiced every combat skill although they're sadly capped at two
He practiced every combat skill although they're sadly capped at two
He practiced every combat skill although they're sadly sadly capped at two
DAEMIO: Yes, my dominance against adults is something that I think is keen
I'm still on sched-u-le to be the Ranivor by age fourteen
In short in matters skill-related, attribute, and general
I am the very model of a kid from Anarinuell
CHORUS: In short in matters skill-related, attribute, and general
He is the very model of a kid from Anarinuell
TREBEK: (after a long dumbfounded pause) Truly, I have no words.
DAEMIO: That's all right. I'd like to select Gods Named Unot for 200, please.
TREBEK: (Sighs) I never imagined I'd be so despondent about finally getting somebody on this show who can answer questions correctly. Gods named Unot for 200: Eesha's beloved, he is the son of Zutiv.
JALIL: (rings) Who is me.
TREBEK: How modest of you.
DIAMIA: (rings) Um! Um! Um! Um! (repeats until buzzer) Flibble pink ballistas, uwaah!
TREBEK: I'm not even sure what language you're speaking. (Daemio rings, Trebek sighs) Lord Daemio, which god is named Unot?
DAEMIO: Well, that's an insultingly easy question to answer, really. If you don't mind, I'd like to bring up some of the research I've been doing into whose souls occupy the L3 and L5 LaGrange points in orbit around--
TREBEK: (interrupts, annoyed) All right, now you're just showing off! Clan Leader Diamia, I'm giving control of the board to you.
DIAMIA: (rings in) IT GETS DARK!
TREBEK: Never mind. Lord Jalil, I'm afraid I've got no choice but to turn to you.
JALIL: PATHETIC BEARS!
TREBEK: What?
JALIL: Sorry, I can't help saying that sometimes.
TREBEK: Just pick a category!
JALIL: Fine, fine. Ah. Let's do Butt Hats for 800.
TREBEK: What? No! That's But That's, not Butt Hats!
JALIL: (rings) What is a hat that Trebek wears. Because he's a butthead. Heh heh.
TREBEK: What are you, nine years old?
JALIL: (gestures at Daemio) No, that's him. Butthead.
TREBEK: All right, I don't have to put with with this. Clan Leader Diamia! Please, pick a category.
JALIL: Are you going to 'ass' her a few questions? Butthead. Hahaha.
TREBEK: You know what. Could we take down the 200 value from 'The Four People Jalil Hasn't Completely Pissed Off Yet?' I don't think it applies anymore.
(clue for 200 is revealed to be 'He's the game show host standing right in front of you'. Category is changed to 'The Three People Jalil Hasn't Completely Pissed Off Yet')
TREBEK: Thank you. Now as I was saying, please select a catgeory, Your Honor. And there's no need to hyperventilate.
DIAMIA: Er. Right. Right. I'd like to pick... Potent Potables for 400!
TREBEK: ... Whaaat?
DIAMIA: Eek! What? Did I do something wrong? I didn't, did I? I did! Oh gosh oh gosh I'm sorry I'm sorry...
TREBEK: It's not that! Easy, easy. I'm just... I'm just amazed, is all. You're the first person in the history of this game to actually /pick/ that category.
DIAMIA: OH GOD I KNEW I'D MESS EVERYTHING UP IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY AND LOOK LIKE A BIG IDIOOOOOT. (spazzes out)
TREBEK: Erm. (daily double noises) Oh my. And it's also a Visual Daily Double. Err... what are you going to wager?
DIAMIA: Aoowaaaaah!
JALIL: (pats Diamia on the shoulder) Diamia, Diamia. Shh. Shh. Hey. Hey. Calm down. Okay? Repeat after me. I am a Clan Leader.
DIAMIA: (gradually settling down) I am a Clan Leader?
JALIL: People look up to me.
DIAMIA: People look up to me?
JALIL: I am a respected and wise individual.
DIAMIA: (swallows) I am a respected and wise individual.
JALIL: I am going to get this Daily Double question right.
DIAMIA: (confidently) I am going to get this Daily Double question right!
JALIL: I'm going to wager Lady Muggles, Mer Trebek.
DIAMIA: (super confidently) I am going to wager Lady Muggles, Mer Trebek!
TREBEK: (stares silently for a few moments) Uh... well, I suppose I'm not really in a position to say no to a Clan Leader. We'll just convert it into the auction price of your dog if you get it right.
DIAMIA: Wait, what? NOOOOOOOOO! Not my puppy! Can I bet my daughter instead?
TREBEK: (doubletakes) That's completely illegal! All right, for our Visual Daily Double we have the Ticanee Captain Tagda Leafchaser here today to help with the clue.
TAGDA: (smiles and waves)
TREBEK: What 'potent potable' beverage is this Ticanee Shaman drinking?
TAGDA: (drinks from a jar with a mushroom on it) EEEEYEEYEYEAAAAGHGH BEAR MOOSE FOXY FOXY FOX GRAAAAAGH.
DIAMIA: (puts her hand over her chest and catches her breath) Oh, thank the gods. I know this one. (clears throat and rings) What is redcap juice.
TAGDA: Nope! I'm drinkin' pond water. Hehe. HISSSSSS!
JALIL: Oh well. Guess you're out one dog!
DIAMIA: (starts wailing again as Jalil throws her dog backstage)
TREBEK: I guess some people don't need hallucinogens to be crazy.
TAGDA: Screw you, you racist Firan prick! (throws the jar at Trebek)
TREBEK: Gah! Go back to Vahloria! Or a cave, or whereever you Ticanee come from.
JALIL: (rings in) Did I mention I boned the Oshta?
TREBEK: Oh, for heaven's sake. We're moving on now. How about 'What Happens Next' for 600. "A glass full of wine slips out of your grasp." What happens next?
JALIL: (rings) I divorce my wife, execute my ex-wife, and sleep with somebody else's wife!
TREBEK: No! (Diamia rings) Lady Diamia, /please/ defeat this ignoramus.
DIAMIA: Guards! Find my little snookiewookums or I'll have you all executed! Waaah!
TREBEK: Arrrgh. (Daemio rings) Lord Daemio, thank the gods. I need to talk to somebody competent.
DAEMIO: Of course, my good man. But before I answer, I'd like to speak a little about the magical force we call 'gravity'. You might find it quite enlightening. It is a little-known fact at Mother Soli is constantly attempting to hear her scars from Zutiv's great whip, and seeks to patch the holes by attracting all kinds of matter to...
TREBEK: (interrupting) This is a game show, not a Lokaranis lecture! You're correct. Great. Next category, please.
DAEMIO: Hmm. Very well. Potent Potables for 800, if you would.
TREBEK: All right. For 800. "Is hateage a word? Yes or no." Please note that this means your answer should be one of the words /yes/ or /no/.
DIAMIA: (rings in) ....maybe? (winces at buzzer)
JALIL: (rings in, turns to Diamia) Hey, show me your tits!
DIAMIA: Squeeeak!?
TREBEK: Lord Jalil! That's completely uncalled for!
JALIL: Hey! It was /your/ idea, butthead.
TREBEK: (indignant) Wha! And /how/ could you come to /that/ conclusion?
JALIL: Back at the beginning! You said not to ask the audience. She's a contestant!
TREBEK: Why are you people only clever when it comes to being obnoxious? (Daemio rings) And you! I don't think I even want to hear your answer. I bet you're just going to ask me which language we're talking about, because you speak eleven of them fluently or something ridiculous like that.
DAEMIO: Only seven, actually.
TREBEK: (disgusted) That's it, we're going to do final jeopardy now! Since I'm quite honestly rooting for you all to lose by this point, I've got the perfect final jeopardy category for you to fail at. Integrity! That's right. The category is integrity. You can have the traditional 30 seconds to write down your usual nonsense. If it were possible for any of you to write down anything at all related to the concept of integrity, I suppose that I would have to judge you correct, but I know that won't be the case. So just spew forth your demented ravings onto the page, and then I will expose your moral failings for the entire Republic to see, and take what small comfort in it that I can. Integrity. (walks to Diamia) This should be interesting. Clan Leader Diamia, let's see what you wrote.
(screen reads 'REWARD')
TREBEK: That's disappointing. Integrity should not have a financial motive! For shame. And your wager.
(screen shows bottom half of a lost dog poster)
DIAMIA: I miss my doggie! (sniffle)
TREBEK: (sheepish) Oh. I'm, uh. I don't know what to say. I think I owe you an apology. Obviously I was too hard on you and... er. why is there a mustache on your dog?
DIAMIA: What? Noooo! That's not my Lady Muggles! Ladies don't have mustaches! People are going to bring me the wrong dooooog! *sobs*
TREBEK: You know, it almost looks like somebody vandalized your... (trails off when he looks at Jalil, who was snickering until he gets looked at and start looking away, humming)
JALIL: Dum dee dum.
TREBEK: I see. Well. Clearly I know Lord Jalil has nothing at all to do with integrity. Let's reveal his answer.
(screen says 'HONOR')
JALIL: I think you owe me an apology.
TREBEK: (grimacing) Yes. Well. I suppose I do, in fact. Honor is indeed a central tenet of integrity. I have misjudged you as well. And your wager?
(screen shows 'IAS ARE GOOD IN THE SACK')
JALIL: (guffawing) Gotcha, butthead.
TREBEK: I'm amazed they tried to overthrow you only three times. Finally, Lord Daemio. Who may or may not be getting answers from the audience. What do you have to say about integrity?
(screen shows a cloud, a house, a bird, a sun, and a stick man)
TREBEK: AHA! Look at that. Look at that! You /are/ nine years old, after all! This crude drawing proves it. You can't actually read and write yet, can you?
DAEMIO: Oh, mer Trebek, you sad and lonely man. Clearly you don't recognize Nekaht heiroglyphics when you see it.
TREBEK: What?
DAEMIO: I wrote my wager in Vretian, too.
(screen shows $borkbork)
TREBEK: That's... I... (frowns) Go to your room!
DAEMIO: My room?
TREBEK: Yes! Go to your room! And you're not getting any supper!
DAEMIO: I designed the architectural plans for my room, you know.
TREBEK: I DON'T CARE. That's all the time we have here on Firan Celebrity Jeopardy.
JALIL: Hey! I found your dog! (hands over Lady Muggles with a mustache and beard taped on)
DIAMIA: EEEEK! Lady Muggles! What have they done to yoooooou?
TREBEK: (sighs) I'm going to go home and have nightmares about the new depths of human misery our next show will descend to. Good night!
